Drunk Monster Vision + Vampire Homework

I'm typing this with one hand because the other is permanently fused to a coffee mug. This is evolution. Or devolution? I can't tell anymore. I spent the weekend "relaxing" which actually meant scrolling through my phone until my eyes burned while lying in positions that would make a chiropractor weep. Now my neck is stuck at an angle that makes me look like I'm perpetually confused. Which, to be fair, I am.

IN THIS ISSUE:

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Johnny Depp will star as Ebenezer Scrooge in Paramount's Ebenezer: A Christmas Carol, directed by horror filmmaker Ti West (X trilogy), releasing November 13, 2026, marking his biggest studio role since his 2022 defamation trial victory. Now that's a sentence that shouldn't exist!

The guy who made Pearl is directing Captain Jack Sparrow as Scrooge. I once tried mixing genres too - put hot sauce on ice cream. Everyone at Baskin Robbins asked me to leave. Not because of the hot sauce. Because I brought my own ice cream. From home. It was vanilla. The hot sauce was Tabasco. I stand by my choices except this one feels worse somehow.

Sarah Michelle Gellar is returning for a new Buffy series set 25 years after the original, with Oscar winner Chloé Zhao directing the pilot that just wrapped filming. Ryan Keira Armstrong plays Nova, a 16-year-old bookworm Slayer in a rebuilt Sunnydale split between gritty Old Sunnydale and upscale New Sunnydale.

Now that's a comeback nobody saw coming! Like when my high school bully became a life coach. Actually makes perfect sense - he was already great at making people feel terrible about themselves. Now he charges $200 an hour for it.

Billy Magnussen and Lulu Wilson star in Joe Lynch's horror comedy about a Texas sheriff who discovers a creature that only drunk people can see and feeds on blood alcohol content. With the town's brewery festival approaching, the recovering alcoholic sheriff must drink again to save everyone. Filming starts early 2026 in Texas.

Finally, a movie that validates my life choices! "I'm not drunk, I'm monster hunting" is the excuse I've been waiting for.

Diablo Cody is writing a Jennifer's Body sequel with director Karyn Kusama confirming she knows "some of the bones" of the story, describing it as "fun and crazy like the first film." The 2009 box office flop turned cult classic now has people calling it their Godfather, which Kusama says "tickles her down to her toes."

The first movie made no money and now it's getting a sequel because teenagers on TikTok discovered it. Meanwhile I discovered a moldy sandwich in my backpack from 2019 and nobody's giving me a sequel. Unfair really.

Director Damien Leone is keeping Terrifier 4's script super secret, promising Art the Clown's origin in the first 15 minutes and a "batshit insane" finale. Leone says the franchise has one or two films left and he knows how it ends—"it will be epic."

Art the Clown getting an origin story is like finding out how a tornado learned to hate trailer parks. Some things don't need explaining. They just are. Like why I own seven different screwdrivers but use a butter knife for everything.