Hey Nerds,
It's Friday and my last brain cell is doing its absolute best, which is to say it's barely doing anything but we're grading on a curve here.
IN THIS ISSUE:
Stranger Things finale going to theaters
Star Wars rejected TWO prestigious directors
Netflix orders show about horny teenagers becoming literal monsters
...and more
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STRANGER THINGS FINALE HITS THEATERS AND STREAMING SIMULTANEOUSLY
Stranger Things' two-hour series finale will screen in 350+ theaters on December 31, 2025 at 5 p.m. PT, the exact same time it premieres on Netflix, marking the first time Netflix has done simultaneous theatrical/streaming release for a series episode.
The Duffers said watching in theaters will be "bitchin'" which is what people in the '80s said when they couldn't curse properly. I say bitchin' now but ironically, like how I wear Crocs. Also ironically. I hope.
LUCASFILM REJECTED FINCHER AND SODERBERGH STAR WARS MOVIES
David Fincher walked away from directing a post-Rise of Skywalker Star Wars movie because Lucasfilm wouldn't give him final cut, while Disney rejected Soderbergh and Adam Driver's "Hunt for Ben Solo" because executives "didn't see how Ben Solo was alive"—in the same franchise where Palpatine returned with zero explanation. Bob Iger and Alan Bergman literally said no to DAVID FINCHER. The man who made talking about Fight Club against the rules.
Disney rejecting auteur directors for Star Wars is like having Gordon Ramsay offer to cook for you and saying "nah, we'll stick with the microwave Hot Pockets." Not even the good Hot Pockets. The ones from the gas station that are somehow both frozen and burnt.
NETFLIX ORDERS BLACK HOLE ABOUT SEX TURNING TEENS INTO MONSTERS
Netflix gave a series order to Jane Schoenbrun's adaptation of Charles Burns' graphic novel "Black Hole," where teenagers who have sex too young contract a virus that literally turns them into monsters, set in the "perfect" town of Roosevelt where infected kids get cast out to the woods where a serial killer hunts them.
Finally, an honest sex education show. "Don't have sex or you'll become a literal monster and get murdered in the woods." That's basically what my health teacher said but with more overhead projector slides of diseased genitals. I still have nightmares. Not about the slides, about the overhead projector. That whirring noise. The burnt plastic smell. My teacher's coffee breath as she leaned over to change transparencies. Wait, what were we talking about “Monster sex teens.” Right.
JAMES GUNN CONFIRMS ARKHAM ASYLUM SERIES IS SUPER DEAD
James Gunns said the Arkham Asylum TV series from Matt Reeves is definitively dead because "it just didn't work," after the project transformed from a Gotham PD show to an Arkham horror series to a DCU show before dying completely. It just didn't work.
The show was supposed to be "a haunted house that is Arkham" which sounds amazing but apparently not amazing enough for James Gunn, who's too busy making sure Superman's underwear is the right shade of red.
SPEED ROUND OF DIMINISHING RETURNS
The Brave and the Bold still happening with Andy Muschietti directing Batman and son. He said they'll talk about it "in a couple months" which in Hollywood means never. Or 2029. James Gunn is "very, very actively involved" in the script which means he's rewriting it seventeen times until Batman quotes Peacemaker.
It Follows sequel has an "exceptional" script and might film next year. Maika Monroe says it's "bigger and darker and more fucked up" than the original. The original was about an STD ghost that kills you. How much more fucked up can it get?
IT: Welcome to Derry cast shocked HBO let them keep all the disgusting horror. The network that showed full penetration in every possible configuration draws the line nowhere apparently.
Chloe Okuno's Brides started filming with everyone from Industry and Tron joining a vampire movie in Budapest. It's about "deathless women" and "dark transformation" which is just my skincare routine. Except the deathless part. I'm very mortal.
The Boys: Mexico takes place after season 5, has a "totally different tone," Diego Luna and Gael García Bernal producing. Eric Kripke promises crossovers which means Homelander will definitely show up and laser someone's head off. In Mexico. While mariachi music plays.
CALENDAR
October 26, 2025 - IT prequel traumatizes
December 31, 2025 - Stranger Things finale in actual theaters
Sometime 2026 - It Follows sequel follows
After Season 5 - The Boys goes to Mexico
"Couple months" - Batman and Robin news (sure Jan)
When hell freezes - Arkham Asylum (oh wait, it's dead)
Never - Fincher or Soderbergh Star Wars
It doesn't actually feed me - I subsist entirely on expired coupons and regret - but it does pay for the internet so I can keep screaming into the void. The void screams back sometimes. We're friends now.
-Zak
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