Corporate Cowardice + Contractual Deaths

FRIDAY. The day I tell myself I'll be productive before the weekend, knowing full well I'm going to spend the next 8 hours looking at genre news and pretending that counts as work. I’ve already had four cups of coffee and achieved the kind of enlightenment where you realize everything is meaningless but in a fun way? Like, we're all just walking meat sacks on a spinning rock, but hey, at least it's Friday. That's something. Probably. Maybe.

IN THIS ISSUE:

Ubisoft axed an Assassin's Creed game about a Black protagonist fighting the KKK during Reconstruction because apparently that's "too political."

A franchise about LITERALLY ASSASSINATING HISTORICAL FIGURES thinks confronting American racism is where we draw the line. We've killed popes, pharaohs, and pirates, but the KKK? Whoa there, buddy, that's controversial.

One source said it was "Too political in a country too unstable." You know what else was unstable? The French Revolution. Remember that game? Where we decapitated aristocrats? But sure, the Civil War is the bridge too far.

I played every Assassin's Creed game. Even the bad ones. There's one where you're a pirate who hallucinates computer code. But confronting actual American history? Nope. Can't do it. Might make someone uncomfortable.

The Ultimate Universe dies April 2026 with Ultimate Endgame #5 because Jonathan Hickman literally put it in his contract.

C.B. Cebulski said "You think we're lying, but we're not." Which is exactly what someone lying would say but also exactly what someone telling the truth would say so now I trust nothing and no one.

The whole universe was created by evil Reed Richards removing superhero origins from the timeline.

But now it's ending. This is the most comic book thing ever. "Here's a new universe! Also it dies in 2026. Enjoy!"

Wizards Beyond Waverly Place Season 2 finale revealed Alex Russo (Gomez) is Billie's mother, then immediately yeeted her through a portal to wizard hell.

Disney really said "welcome back to your childhood show, now DIE."

Selena Gomez signed up for a nostalgic Disney+ cameo and got a heroic sacrifice death scene. She went from "Everything Is Not What It Seems" to "Everything Is Death, Actually." The checks must be MAGNIFICENT.

John Lithgow's Dumbledore meets Nicolas Flamel in leaked set photos because HBO needs you to know they read the books.

Flamel never appeared in the original movies. Eight films. Zero Flamel. Now HBO's like "LOOK, WE INCLUDED THE ALCHEMY GUY!" It's the nerdiest flex. Like correcting someone's pronunciation of "Hermione" at a party. Nobody asked but here we are.

The Vampire Diaries creator is adapting Alchemy of Secrets because apparently we need more teens with mysterious powers discovering their destiny.

The protagonist gets told she'll die tomorrow unless she finds the Alchemical Heart. The fact that this is basically every YA plot but with a 24-hour deadline!

Stephanie Garber "really wanted to see this adapted" which is author-speak for "please make me rich like Stephenie Meyer."