Dead Kylo Movies + Board Game Nightmares

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Adam Driver spent two years developing "The Hunt for Ben Solo" with Steven Soderbergh, calling it "one of the coolest scripts I had ever been a part of," but Disney executives killed it because "they didn't see how Ben Solo was alive." The man fell down a pit and disappeared! That's Star Wars code for "definitely coming back." Palpatine did it twice. Maul survived being cut in half. But Ben Solo? Too complicated apparently.

I once pitched an idea at work that made perfect sense. Everyone loved it. Management killed it because it "wasn't aligned with synergies." I still don't know what that means. Neither did they probably.

Hulu greenlit a Prison Break series starring Emily Browning as an ex-soldier corrections officer, set in the same universe but featuring zero original cast members because why would you want familiarity in your reboot?

I tried rebooting my life once. Changed careers, moved cities, deleted social media. Three months later I was doing the same job remotely, ordering from the same Thai place through a different app. Some things you can't escape. Unlike prison apparently, which everyone escapes from constantly in this franchise.

Netflix secured exclusive rights to develop films and TV series based on the board game Catan, about settlers navigating "bountiful landscapes" and "shifting alliances" while dealing with robbers. So basically Survivor but with hexagons. Roy Lee from Vertigo Entertainment is producing, which means we're getting a prestige drama about sheep trading.

I played Catan once. I spent four hours building roads to nowhere while my friend cornered the wheat market. I lost spectacularly. The movie will probably be exactly like that but with better lighting and Chris Pratt voicing a sheep.

The Duffer Brothers confirmed Joseph Quinn won't return for Season 5, with Matt Duffer stating "He's fully under that ground" after months of Quinn trolling fans at conventions about a possible return. Dead means dead in Stranger Things. Unless you're Hopper. Or Brenner. Or Max technically. But Eddie? Super dead. No takebacks.

Quinn's shot five movies since dying, which is more productive than me after I quit my job to "focus on writing." Spoiler: I focused on Netflix. For nine months. Eddie's doing better dead than I am alive, which pretty much tracks.