Denzel Washington Joins Marvel + Sebastian Stan Decides to Be Everyone in Frankenstein

It's Tuesday and my body has decided we're doing that thing where we wake up at 4:47am for no reason. Not 5am like a normal person having a crisis. 4:47.

Tried to go back to sleep but my brain started listing every embarrassing thing I've done since 2013. Did you know in 2013 I told my crush I collected "vintage pencils"? I didn't. I don't. Why did I say that? It's 2025 and I'm still haunted by pencil lies.

IN THIS ISSUE:

ScreenRant reports Denzel Washington has been cast in Black Panther 3 and when asked about it, he said "That's between me and Ryan."

That's it.

That's the whole statement.

This is like when you ask your mom what's for dinner and she says "food." Technically correct but emotionally devastating. Remember when actors used to, I don't know, talk about their roles? Now it's all NDAs and paranoia.

Ryan Coogler wrote a part specifically for him which could mean anything from "wise elder statesman" to "guy who stands in background looking disappointed." Honestly, after watching the last few Marvel movies, I'd pay good money just to watch Denzel look disappointed for two hours. That's cinema.

The man avoided franchise films his entire career and now at 70 he's joining the spandex brigade. That's like your dad who only drinks black coffee suddenly getting really into bubble tea. With the little pearls. And asking if they have loyalty cards.

I had a professor once who refused to tell us what was on the final exam with the same energy Denzel's bringing to this Marvel thing. "That's between me and the academic board," he'd say. Failed that class. Still bitter. Anyway, Denzel's probably playing T'Challa's secret uncle or something equally ridiculous and we'll all pretend to be surprised.

THR reports Sebastian Stan will star as both Victor Frankenstein AND his monster in something called "Frankenstein in Romania."

This is directed by Romanian auteur Radu Jude who decided to combine Mary Shelley's novel with the CIA's secret prison in Romania because apparently regular Frankenstein wasn't depressing enough. Nothing says Gothic horror like enhanced interrogation techniques and government black sites.

Stan was born in Romania, lived there until he was eight, which means this is either deeply personal art or the world's most expensive way to process childhood trauma. Probably both. Definitely both.

Meanwhile, Guillermo del Toro is making his own Frankenstein and Maggie Gyllenhaal is making another one because suddenly everyone remembered Frankenstein exists. It's like when one person brings hummus to a potluck and suddenly next year everyone brings hummus and you're standing there with seventeen containers of hummus wondering what went wrong.

I once tried to play two parts in a high school play because we didn't have enough people. Spent the whole second act running backstage, changing hats, forgetting lines. The audience thought it was performance art. It wasn't. Point is, Sebastian Stan playing both parts better work or this is going to be me in that play but with a $50 million budget.

SFFGazette reports Gerwig just moved The Magician's Nephew from Victorian times to the 1950s but that's not even the part that's making my eye twitch.

Meryl Streep is voicing Aslan.

The lion. The literal lion who C.S. Lewis wrote as a Jesus metaphor so obvious it might as well have worn a "Hi, I'm Jesus" name tag. The MALE lion with a MANE who dies for Edmund's Turkish Delight sins and comes back to life. That Aslan.

Now voiced by Meryl f*ing Streep.

Look, I get it. Meryl Streep could voice a toaster and win an Oscar. She could play my dad and I'd probably cry and call her afterward. But Aslan? ASLAN? The character whose entire existence is "what if Jesus but LION and also EXPLICITLY MALE?"

This is like casting Danny DeVito as Wonder Woman. Sure, he'd probably nail it, but at what cost? AT WHAT COST?

I'm having the same feeling I had when they made the Ghostbusters women but worse because at least ghosts don't have genders. Lions do. Jesus metaphors definitely do. C.S. Lewis is spinning in his grave so fast we could power Britain.

Daniel Craig is Uncle Andrew which makes sense because he looks like he'd accidentally unleash ancient evil while day-drinking. Emma Mackey is the White Witch and she'll be great but I can't focus because MERYL STREEP IS PLAYING BIBLE LION.

Coming November 2026 and I'll watch it while screaming internally the entire time.

CBR reports McDonald's Japan had to apologize after their Pokémon Happy Meal promotion caused actual chaos.

Police were called.

Over trading cards.

With cartoon animals on them.

The promotion was supposed to run three days but ended within hours because grown adults lost their collective minds over cardboard rectangles. Scalpers bought hundreds of Happy Meals then threw the food away. Just... threw it away. Like it was nothing. Like those nuggets didn't have dreams.

These cards are now selling for $15-20 on eBay when the meal cost $3.50. That's a better return on investment than my entire 401k. Maybe I should've been hoarding Pikachu instead of contributing to retirement. At least Pikachu's cute. My mutual funds just send me depressing quarterly statements.

McDonald's promised stricter limits for next time which is hilarious because there will absolutely be a next time and it will absolutely be chaos again. We never learn. We're just hamsters on a wheel except the wheel is capitalism and the cheese at the end is a holographic Charizard.

Someone I knew in college once fought a stranger over a Yu-Gi-Oh card at Target. Not even a good card. It was like, a medium-tier spell card. Security got involved. He's a lawyer now. Still has the card. Framed. In his office.

CBR reports Joe Keery might play Harry Osborn which means we now have two Stranger Things actors with Sadie Sink as maybe-Gwen Stacy.

At this rate, just cast the Demogorgon as Venom and call it a day.

Some guy with an inside scoop adds MJ will have a "BIG role" after earlier reports said she'd barely be in it. Marvel's playing telephone with their own movie. By next week, MJ will be the main character and Spider-Man will have three lines.

The movie's set three years after No Way Home which means Peter's spent three years doing that thing where you walk past your ex's favorite coffee shop "accidentally" seventeen times a week. But with web-slinging.

July 31, 2026 release means we have 18 months to prepare for whatever fever dream this becomes. Steve from Stranger Things as Harry Osborn feels like when your mom sets you up with someone because "you both breathe oxygen." Technically true but missing the entire point.

Variety reports Shrek 5 moved from December 2026 to June 30, 2027.

Second delay.

At this point Shrek 5 is less "upcoming movie" and more "theoretical concept." Like my plans to learn French or start jogging.

26 years after the original. There are people with mortgages who weren't alive for the first Shrek. They've never known a world without Shrek and now must wait even longer for more Shrek. This is their generational trauma.

Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz returning presumably with walkers and reading glasses for the recording sessions. Zendaya's joining because apparently she signed a deal with the devil to be in every franchise simultaneously. Good for her. Get that bag.

Opens a week after Spider-Man: Beyond the Spider-Verse which also doesn't have a real date so summer 2027 is basically just a suggestion at this point. Like speed limits or expiration dates on condiments.

No reason given for the delay which means either the animation computer exploded or someone realized they forgot to write a script. Could go either way.