HBO's Recycled Train + Disney's Death Approval

Woke up this morning to discover I'd been sleeping with my mouth open and now my tongue feels like I licked a cactus. I tried to drink water but forgot how swallowing works for a second. The water went everywhere except where it should. Now I'm wet, confused, and it's still only Tuesday.

IN THIS ISSUE:

HBO's new Harry Potter series just revealed their Hogwarts Express and it's... the same one. The EXACT same one from the movies.

This is the creative equivalent of submitting the same book report you wrote in seventh grade for your college thesis. Which I tried. Didn't work. Professor noticed. Mostly because it was written in crayon.

2027 premiere. Two years to prepare for disappointment. I'm already exhausted.

Blue Lock Season 3 is confirmed AND a live-action movie for summer 2026 is coming.

They announced it at something called "Egoist Fest 2025" which sounds like where venture capitalists go to network. Or my ex's birthday party. Same vibe really. "Look at me succeeding without you!" Cool.

CREDEUS is making the live-action which means they'll cast a 30-year-old to play a teenager kicking balls while screaming about friendship. But dramatically. With slow motion. And probably rain.

Man of Tomorrow starts filming April 2026 and it's "as much a Lex movie as a Superman movie."

This is like making a Spider-Man movie that's half about J. Jonah Jameson's journalism career. Actually, I'd watch that.

Gunn also said Batman needs "a reason for existing" in the DCU. A reason? For existing? Batman's reason is dead parents and money. That's it. That's the reason. Same reason I do anything: trauma and disposable income.

The Brave and the Bold won't happen until the script is perfect which means never. Nothing's perfect. My lasagna isn't perfect but I still eat it. While crying. It's a whole thing.

Elden Henson says he's NOT in Daredevil Season 2. "Not happening," he says. Which in Marvel speak means he's definitely in it and probably getting his own spinoff.

Brad Winderbaum said in March both Henson and Deborah Ann Woll would return. Now Henson says no. This is either a lie or Marvel's communication is worse than my attempts at emotional vulnerability. "How are you?" "Fine." "Really?" "No, I'm spiraling but let's talk about superhero lawyers instead."

The MCU resurrects everyone.

An incomplete leaked trailer apparently shows Prince Adam raising his sword yelling "I HAVE THE POWER!" because nostalgia is a drug and we're all addicts.

Cringer's there. The green tiger who becomes Battle Cat.

Skeletor "closely resembles his animated counterpart" which means he's purple and has no face. This is harder to pull off in live-action than you'd think. Like my attempt at a man-bun. Possible, but universally mocked.

"Solid origin story" the leaker says. Every origin story is solid…until it's not. Like my plan to wake up early and exercise. Solid plan. Never happened.