Hollywood Just Announced THREE Different Addams Family Projects and Everyone's Confused

Outrage headlines. Never-ending feeds. Everyone shouting, no one listening.

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IN THIS ISSUE:

Deadline reports that Alfred Gough and Miles Millar are making a brand new animated Addams Family movie.

Not connected to Wednesday.

Completely. F*cking. New.

They're working with Amazon MGM and Kevin Miserocchi from the Addams Foundation, who apparently knew Charles Addams personally, which is like knowing the guy who invented anxiety but in a fun goth way. The film will be a complete reboot of the animated franchise, unconnected to either the 2019/2021 films or the Netflix series.

This is like finding out your ex is dating someone new but you're actually happy about it because the relationship was getting weird anyway and now everyone can move on. Except I'm still emotionally attached to Thing. We all are. Don't lie.

Variety reports a new sci-fi/horror company called Void Signal just partnered with Alliance Home Entertainment and their October lineup is absolutely unhinged in the best way.

First up: The Healing drops October 7, starring Alyona Mitroshina as a woman fleeing her abusive husband to some weird retreat where—surprise!—surreal rituals and haunting visions happen. Because nothing says "healing" like psychological horror. I once went to a wellness retreat and the scariest thing was the kombucha. Tasted like feet. Not my feet. Someone else's feet. Don't ask how I know the difference.

Then October 14 brings Mar.ia, which they're describing as "Terminator meets I Spit on Your Grave" with Daria Panchenko playing an erotic film star who becomes a vengeful cyborg.

That's a sentence I just typed.

With my actual fingers.

But HERE'S where it gets properly mental: October 21's Holy Mother stars Eihi Shiina as a silent trans woman fighting a brutal organization with chainsaws, lasers, and "non-stop carnage."

This is what happens when you let film students do cocaine. Nobody—and I mean NOBODY—asked for this specific fever dream. It's like someone threw darts at a board of random plot elements while blindfolded and drunk. "Silent protagonist?" thunk "Chainsaws?" thunk "Lasers?" thunk "Sure, why not, greenlight it."

I guarantee the pitch meeting for this was just someone screaming nouns at executives until they said yes just to make it stop.

You know what? Fine.

FINE.

Variety reports that Richard Stanley—the absolute madman who directed Nicolas Cage in The Color Out of Space—is writing the third killer Pooh movie. Production starts early next year.

This is the same guy who made Hardware. Who got fired from The Island of Dr. Moreau and then snuck back onto set dressed as a dog-man extra. This is who they're trusting with the third installment of murderous Winnie the Pooh.

I respect it.

I hate it, but I respect it.

Like when my nephew puts ketchup on ice cream. It's wrong, but the commitment is admirable.

Den of Geek got Jeffrey Wright to talk about The Batman Part II and he's being SO coy about it. He hasn't read the script yet but he's "heard some things" and "respects Matt Reeves' Gotham-building skills."

"Heard some things."

WHAT THINGS, JEFFREY?

This is like when your friend says they have gossip but then makes you wait until you're three drinks in to spill it. Except I don't drink anymore because last time I tried to explain the entire Batman timeline to a bartender and she called security. Not because I was drunk. Because I brought visual aids.

Wright says he's "excited to jump in there and read what he has, which I'm sure will be rich and satisfying."

Fangoria dropped the poster for Steven Kostanski's Deathstalker remake and the synopsis is giving me feelings I usually reserve for finding forgotten cheese in my fridge.

The Kingdom of Abraxeon is under siege by Dreadites trying to resurrect the sorcerer Nekromemnon. Our boy Deathstalker picks up a cursed amulet from a dead prince—because touching mysterious jewelry from corpses always goes well—and now he's marked by dark magic and hunted by monsters.

The poster looks like what would happen if Heavy Metal magazine had a baby with my high school notebook doodles. And I mean that as the highest compliment.

This is from the guy who made Psycho Goreman, which means it's going to be exactly the right amount of stupid. The good stupid. The kind of stupid that makes you text your ex at 2am to tell them about it and then immediately regret it but also not really.

Revival's "Rend" episode is revealing the truth behind Revival Day but at "a high price." The images on Spoiler TV show people looking concerned in that specific TV way where you know someone's about to monologue about destiny or whatever.

Foundation's "The Shape of Time" promises a violent reunion, which is basically every family gathering I've been to since 2016. Day's looking for Song, the Vault opens, and the Mule takes aim. I don't know what any of that means but it sounds expensive. Check the images at Spoiler TV.

Meanwhile, Star Trek: Strange New Worlds' "The Sehlat Who Ate Its Tail" has the Enterprise crew just... hanging out? The Spoiler TV images literally show them chilling. In space.

Living their best lives while I'm here eating cereal for dinner and calling it meal prep.

FX released a "this season on" trailer for Alien: Earth and I watched it four times while standing in my kitchen because sitting down felt too casual for xenomorphs.

I can't tell you what happens because it's a blur of alien stuff, people screaming and running, and probably corporate malfeasance because it's always corporate malfeasance. It's like they took my anxiety about the future and gave it acid blood.

Perfect. No notes.