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Hey Nerds,
Today's newsletter is sponsored by Fintech Takes, a newsletter about money written by some guy named Alex.
Look, I don't understand crypto. I don't understand regular money either. Yesterday I tried to pay for coffee with a button I found in my pocket. The barista was not amused. But Alex apparently understands ALL the money things - the digital kind, the venture capital kind, the "blockchain will save us all" kind that tech bros discuss at parties while everyone else slowly backs away.
Click the link. Every click helps me afford actual food instead of the knock-off cereal I've been eating that's just called "SQUARES." Not even a fun name. Just SQUARES. That's where I'm at financially.
IN THIS ISSUE:
Jackie Chan's stunt team is doing Spider-Man now
Maggie Gyllenhaal made a $100 million R-rated Frankenstein musical
Emma Stone shaved her head for a movie about aliens
...and more
JACKIE CHAN'S STUNT TEAM IS DOING SPIDER-MAN AND HE JUST SHOWED UP LIKE A PROUD DAD
HK1 reports Jackie Chan went to London for a meeting and discovered his stunt team was working on Spider-Man: Brand New Day.
He visited the set saying "I was the action director for the Jackie Chan Stunt Team" which is his way of explaining he's their boss but also sounds like he's trying to convince himself he's still involved. The director got so excited when Jackie showed up that he probably made everyone stop what they were doing for photos.
This is like when my mom shows up at my job unannounced. "Just wanted to see where you work!" Meanwhile I'm trying to look professional while she's telling my coworkers about the time I ate a crayon.
MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL'S $100 MILLION FRANKENSTEIN MUSICAL IS RATED R FOR EVERYTHING
The MPA rated The Bride! with an R for "strong/bloody violent content, sexual content/nudity and language."
Set in 1930s Chicago where the monster asks for a girlfriend and they reanimate a murdered woman. Christian Bale is the monster. Jessie Buckley is the bride. This cast list reads like someone played Hollywood Mad Libs while high.
A production company head said giving Gyllenhaal "more than $15 million is irresponsible." Warner Bros pushed it from September 2025 to March 2026 after test screenings went... poorly. This is what happens when you give indie directors blockbuster money. It's like giving a toddler a flamethrower. Interesting? Yes. Safe? Absolutely not.
EMMA STONE SHAVED HER HEAD TO PLAY ALIEN CONSPIRACY KIDNAPPER
Bugonia dropped a trailer where Emma Stone and Jesse Plemons kidnap a CEO they think is an alien.
Stone shaved her head. So did Yorgos Lanthimos, the director. Method directing? Solidarity? Lost a bet?
Honestly, Emma Stone could shave her eyebrows off and star in a movie about sentient breadsticks and I'd still watch it.
October 31, 2025 wide release. Halloween. Of course.
MICHAEL BAY MIGHT RETURN TO TRANSFORMERS AND JOSH DUHAMEL'S READY
Josh Duhamel told The Direct he hasn't heard about Bay returning but "yeah, why not?"
WHY NOT?
Because Bay's Transformers movies were three-hour toy commercials with explosions that gave me tinnitus. But also... I watched all of them. Multiple times. While complaining. It's called cognitive dissonance and it's my lifestyle.
Duhamel went from cadet to lieutenant colonel through four movies and asks "Would I be a general at this point?" Uh how about whatever rank lets you cash the check and go home before Bay makes you do seventeen takes of looking concerned at green screens?
NEIL MARSHALL WANTS TO MAKE A DESCENT PREQUEL ABOUT DEAD MINERS
Metro UK reports Neil Marshall has ideas for a Descent prequel about "what happened to the miners who went down with the cave first."
A whole movie about people we know die.
This is like making a Titanic prequel about the iceberg's origin story. We know how it ends, Neil. They die. In a cave. With monsters. Marshall even said The Descent Part 2 was "totally unnecessary" but here we are, planning Part Zero.
He's also making a werewolf movie called Werewolves of London which better have that song or I'm rioting.
SPEED ROUND FOR THE ATTENTION-DEFICIENT
Deathstalker - Steven Kostanski remade the 80s sword-and-sorcery cheese fest. Cursed amulet, death mark, disciples of Nekromemnon. It's like D&D but everyone rolled a 1 on creativity.
Lesbian Space Princess - Must save her bounty hunter ex from "Straight White Maliens." The pun. THE PUN. Someone got paid to write that. I'm in the wrong business.
What's Wrong Wendy - Vampire pizza delivery girl goes to high school party. As someone who delivered pizzas in college, becoming a vampire would've been an improvement. Better hours, same amount of garlic.
The Treasure of Barracuda - Illiterate pirates must learn to read. This is just my book club but with more rum.
Wednesday Season 2 - Lady Gaga joins as Rosaline Rotwood. Gwendoline Christie returns from the dead. Death means nothing anymore. Like my gym membership.
CALENDAR
October 24, 2025 - Bugonia (limited release for fancy people)
October 31, 2025 - Bugonia (wide release for us peasants)
March 6, 2026 - The Bride! traumatizes audiences
July 31, 2026 - Spider-Man with Jackie Chan stunts
Eventually - Whatever Michael Bay explodes next
Never - That Descent prequel probably
Try to avoid all laboring this weekend!
-Zak
If you enjoyed my ramblings, share it with a friend using the link below. I'll give you a shoutout in the next edition, which is basically like getting a cameo in the MCU (okay, maybe more like being an extra in the background of a CW show, but still). 🚀
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