Marvel's Secret X-Men Plan Exposed + Zootopia 2 Goes to Therapy

Thursday, aka Friday's annoying younger sibling who tries too hard.

Woke up with the kind of optimism that only comes from forgetting what day it is and thinking it's Friday. It's not. It's never Friday when you need it to be.

That's another rule. Like how your phone only dies when you need it most, or how you only run into your ex when you look like you've been living in a dumpster. Which, emotionally, I have.

So Variety reports that Marvel's actively looking for younger, unknown actors for their X-Men reboot because they want to "keep the cost down." KEEP. THE. COST. DOWN. This is the studio that just handed Robert Downey Jr. another yacht-buying paycheck for Avengers: Doomsday, but sure, let's nickel and dime the mutants.

Jake Schreier is directing with a script by Michael Lesslie, and they're apparently starting casting soon. But here's the kicker - they want fresh faces instead of A-listers. You know what this means? We're getting the CW version of X-Men.

I once tried to save money by buying generic cereal and ended up with something called "Fruity Rings" that tasted like disappointment and food coloring.

That's what this feels like. Marvel's out here buying Fruity Rings X-Men.

The wildest part? They're doing this WHILE bringing back the Fox X-Men actors for Doomsday. So Patrick Stewart gets one last paycheck before they replace him with someone who was probably an extra on Riverdale. It's like breaking up with someone at their birthday party. "Happy birthday, also we're seeing other people, specifically younger, cheaper people."

Also, Pedro Pascal's Reed Richards apparently has an "integral role" in Doomsday but isn't "the centerpiece."

In the same Variety article, Marvel feels "no sense of urgency" about Deadpool 4. NO SENSE OF URGENCY. The movie that made over a billion dollars. The movie that single-handedly saved Marvel's 2024. That movie.

You know what else I have no sense of urgency about? My laundry. It's been sitting in the basket for three days now, mocking me. But at least my procrastination doesn't cost shareholders money.

Ryan Reynolds is apparently working on some X-Men team-up project, which is nice, but we all know what we really want is more Deadpool and Wolverine bickering like an old married couple. That's the content that heals my soul. Well, that and watching my cat knock things off my desk while maintaining eye contact.

Marvel's priority list right now:

This is like when I reorganized my entire apartment instead of answering one important email. Except the email is worth a billion dollars and makes people happy.

ScreenRant reports that Metal Sonic is likely the villain for Sonic 4, continuing the franchise's weird obsession with making Sonic fight himself. First Knuckles (who looked like Evil Sonic), then Shadow (Emo Sonic), now Metal Sonic (Robot Sonic).

This is like my relationship with mirrors. Every morning I wake up, look in the mirror, and fight my evil doppelganger who makes bad life choices. Except my doppelganger wins because here I am, writing about hedgehogs at 2:47am on a Thursday.

The franchise literally cannot stop making Sonic fight versions of himself. It's like therapy but with more explosions and product placement.

You know what? Good for them. At least Sonic's confronting his issues head-on. Meanwhile, I'm over here avoiding my problems by categorizing my streaming subscriptions by "ones I actually use" and "ones I'm too lazy to cancel."

Amy Rose is showing up with her hammer though, so that's something. Nothing says "healthy conflict resolution" like a giant hammer.

ComicBookMovie.com production photos suggest we're getting Tarantula, Boomerang, and maybe The Punisher in the new Spider-Man movie.

TARANTULA. AND. BOOMERANG.

This is like going to a buffet and loading up on crackers and olives. Sure, they're technically food, but are they really what you came for?

I get it, though. They want "street-level" villains. But Boomerang? His whole thing is throwing boomerangs. That's it. That's the gimmick. I throw things at walls when I'm frustrated too, but nobody's making me a Spider-Man villain. Although if they did, my villain name would be "The Procrastinator" and my power would be making Spider-Man too anxious to leave his apartment.

The Punisher being there makes sense, at least. Nothing says "street-level" like Frank Castle turning criminals into swiss cheese. Very family-friendly. Very Disney.

They're also bringing back Scorpion, which... sure. Why not. Throw everyone in there. Get Paste-Pot Pete while you're at it. Big Wheel. The Wall. Just empty the D-list villain drawer and see what sticks.

The Zootopia 2 trailer reveals our favorite buddy cops are in therapy. Not because of fan shipping (thank god), but because Chief Bogo thinks they need better teamwork.

This is the most realistic thing Disney's ever done. You know how many friendships could benefit from professional intervention? I once had a three-hour argument with my best friend about whether hot dogs are sandwiches. We needed therapy. We didn't get it. We just don't talk about hot dogs anymore.

The villain is a snake named Gary. GARY. Not like... Venomous McSnakeface or The Serpent King. Just Gary. Gary the Snake voiced by Ke Huy Quan who needs help finding his family. This is like naming your demon "Steve." No mystique. No drama. Just Gary.

Shakira's coming back though, so at least the soundtrack will slap while these animals work through their communication issues. November 26 can't come soon enough.

Deadline reports Annie Shapero is playing Alyssane Blackwood, aka "Black Aly," in House of the Dragon Season 3. She's getting eight episodes, which in HBO math means she's either very important or dies horribly. Possibly both.

House Blackwood worships trees and has weird powers, which honestly sounds like my neighbor who keeps talking to her plants and swears they respond.

mean, maybe they do. Who am I to judge? I once had a full conversation with my coffee maker at 5am.

They're filming now for a 2026 release, which gives us plenty of time to forget character names and have to Google "who is that blonde person" every episode again.

Sauron's getting his iconic crown in Season 3, which just started production. You know what this means? More slow-motion shots of Charlie Vickers looking menacing while dramatic music plays.

The show's been building to this for two seasons, and I'm sure it'll be very epic and meaningful, but all I can think about is how uncomfortable that crown looks. Like, does he sleep in it? Does it leave marks? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Well, that and "did I leave the oven on?"

Season 3 is supposed to be about the fall of Númenor, which means we're getting closer to the prologue of Fellowship. Just five more seasons until we catch up to where the movies started! At this rate, my grandchildren will be watching the finale.