Matt Smith Achieves Final Form: Space Villain in Every Timeline Simultaneously

It's Thursday and I'm running on spite and whatever that energy drink was that I found in the back of my fridge. Pretty sure it expired in 2023 but it's fine, I'm fine, everything's fine.

My eye won't stop twitching but I'm choosing to believe it's just my third eye trying to open. Unfortunately, it's only showing me visions of all my poor life choices.

There are so many. SO many.

IN THIS ISSUE:

I'm not saying Matt Smith has a monopoly on British villains in space, but Deadline reports he's joining Star Wars: Starfighter as a villain and at this point I'm convinced he's just collecting franchises like Pokémon cards.

The man has already been a Time Lord AND a Targaryen. Now he's heading to a galaxy far, far away to presumably be evil at Ryan Gosling.

Did you know Smith was SUPPOSED to be in Rise of Skywalker as young Palpatine but they cut him? And now he's back like that ex who blocked you but still watches your Instagram stories.

The movie's about a 15-year-old kid and his uncle (Gosling) being chased by villains. Smith and Mia Goth are the evil duo.

You know what? Good for him.

You can now rent the actual Poltergeist house for $800 a night, which is both the best and worst financial decision you could make.

They've kept everything. The clown doll. The static TV. The pool that definitely doesn't have skeletons in it (they promise).

I once spent $800 on a life-sized cardboard cutout of Nicolas Cage and a year's supply of cheese (unrelated purchases, same weekend) and somehow THIS feels more unhinged. The listing says you can have "a night that feels... watched" which is literally just describing my normal anxiety but with better interior design.

The website shows they even hosted Ghost Adventures there earlier this year because of course they did. Of course they f*ing did. Nothing says "restful vacation" like sleeping in a house that traumatized an entire generation and then letting Zak Bagans yell at the walls about it.

You know what though?

Split between eight people that's only $100 each to potentially get possessed. That's less than my weekly coffee budget. Not that I'm suggesting we all chip in and have The Nerdage reader sleepover party but... actually wait, that's exactly what I'm suggesting.

So ESPN reveals WWE just signed with ESPN's new streaming service that doesn't even exist yet, and WrestleMania will be streaming exclusively there starting in 2026.

Let me get this straight.

ESPN is launching ANOTHER streaming service. We already have Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, Max, Paramount+, Peacock, Apple TV+, Amazon Prime, and whatever the hell Tubi is. Now ESPN wants their own exclusive platform? My credit card statement looks like I'm funding a small country's military budget but it's just me trying to watch TV.

The last Peacock event will be SummerSlam 2025, then everything moves to ESPN's Mystery Platform. Including WrestleMania.

I don't even watch wrestling anymore (not since that incident at my nephew's birthday party where I tried to explain the Montreal Screwjob to a bunch of seven-year-olds and made them cry) but this feels significant. Like when your favorite restaurant changes owners and you KNOW the fries won't taste the same.

According to leakers who definitely aren't making this up: the next Xbox will be more powerful than the PlayStation 6,

AMD insider KeplerL2 says the next Xbox will be like an RTX 5080 while PS6 will be like an RTX 4080 or RX 9070XT. I'm nodding like I understand what any of these numbers mean. I still call my graphics card "the spinny boy that makes games pretty."

You know what this means?

Nothing.

It means literally nothing because we'll all buy both anyway and then complain about not having any games to play while our backlog grows like that pile of unfolded laundry that's become sentient and started paying rent.

Remember when console wars were simple? "Genesis does what Nintendon't." Now it's all "teraflops" and "ray tracing" and I'm over here still trying to figure out why my PS5 sounds like a jet engine when I boot up Astro Bot.

The best part? Both consoles will use AMD's RDNA 5. They're literally the same thing with different shells. It's like arguing whether Oreos or Hydrox are better when they're both just sugar discs that destroy your teeth.

But yeah, I'll probably buy both. Don't look at me like that.

Speaking of things that haunt us, Collider.com reports Jennifer Tilly is joining School Spirits Season 3 as the villain and I've never been more ready for anything in my life.

She's playing superintendent Dr. Deborah Hunter-Price, which is already the most villain name ever created. She literally posted on Instagram: "Look out, Split River High! There's a new b*tch in town."

The show's about Maddie trying to save her best friend Simon who's stuck in spiritual limbo, which honestly sounds like my relationship with most of my friends. "Are we hanging out or are you just haunting me? Please clarify."

Season 3 comes out sometime in 2026 on Paramount+, another streaming service I forgot I had until they charged me last week.

Fun fact: I once met Jennifer Tilly at a convention and she complimented my Chucky shirt and I immediately forgot how to speak English. Just made dolphin noises for thirty seconds.

She was very polite about it.

Collider.com reports Disney Twisted-Wonderland: The Animation drops October 29, 2025, on Disney+ after being announced in 2021.

Four years.

FOUR. YEARS.

I've had shorter relationships with actual human beings.

It's about a kid named Yuken Enma who gets sucked into magic school with Disney villains. Eight episodes. Three seasons planned. Each season is named after a different dormitory which is the most Harry Potter thing Disney's done without getting sued.

Apparently this is based on a mobile game. Remember when adaptations were based on books? Now we're adapting things people play on the toilet. What's next, a prestige drama based on Candy Crush? Actually don't answer that, Netflix is probably already working on it.

Season one is called "Chapter of Heartslabyul" which sounds like someone had a stroke while typing "Hearts" and just went with it.

Productionlist.com reports The Batman Part II starts filming January 1, 2026, because nothing says "Happy New Year" like watching Robert Pattinson brood in leather.

Matt Reeves FINALLY finished the script. Finally. It's been 84 years. Well, three years. But in movie development time that's basically a century.

Here's the insane part: James Gunn keeps saying Pattinson won't be the DCU Batman but also won't say "definitely not" which is the movie equivalent of your ex saying "we'll see" when you ask if you're getting back together. Just tell us the truth, JAMES. We can handle it.

(We cannot handle it.)

They're filming at Warner Bros. Studios Leavesden which is where they film everything now. I'm convinced that studio is just a portal to every fictional universe. Walk through the wrong door and suddenly you're in Hogwarts. Or Gotham. Or my recurring nightmare about forgetting pants at work.

Mr. Freeze might be the villain.

Or Hush.

Or my personal theory: Batman fights his greatest enemy yet - the runtime of his own movie.

According to a Tweet (never calling it X, FIGHT ME) Miraculous Ladybug Season 6's first three episodes are getting a theatrical release in Latin America on August 14.

This is like when Disney used to release direct-to-DVD sequels except somehow more chaotic. Imagine paying movie theater prices to watch TV. Actually wait, that's just how much streaming services cost now. Never mind, this makes perfect sense.

The franchise is also building an "interconnected universe of superheroes" because apparently everyone needs a cinematic universe now.

My local coffee shop probably has a cinematic universe. The barista who always spells my name wrong is getting her own spin-off.

Ten years this show's been on.

There are children who were born when this show started who are now old enough to have their own traumatic middle school experiences to process through magical girl anime.