Metal Tony + Alaska Horror

Wow ok, I woke up this morning with my hair doing something that scientists would probably want to study. It's defying gravity in three directions simultaneously. I look like I stuck my finger in an outlet, I tried to fix it but only made it worse. Now I look like an anime character having an existential crisis.

IN THIS ISSUE:

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Marvel's Comic Age of Revelation event shows Tony Stark transformed into the "Iron King," his body permanently fused with metallic elements in a future timeline where he's working with the Hellfire Club to cure the X-Virus. Now he looks like organic Doctor Doom but gold.

That's a career trajectory I understand! Start wearing something ironically, then it becomes your whole personality. I wore a Hawaiian shirt to ONE party in 2019 and now people gift me nothing but Hawaiian shirts. My closet looks like a Jimmy Buffett estate sale. Tony's just taking it further - instead of becoming the shirt guy, he became the suit guy. Permanently. No takebacks.

The Duffer Brothers confirmed their Stranger Things spinoff will feature entirely new characters with a "clean slate," avoiding the Star Wars approach of endless mythology expansion while maintaining the brand's kids-on-adventures formula.

So basically they're admitting Stranger Things without the Stranger Things characters. That's like making pizza without cheese - technically possible but why would you? I once tried to reinvent myself with a "clean slate." Changed my hair, moved apartments, bought new clothes. Two weeks later I was eating cereal for dinner in my underwear watching the same YouTube videos. Some things don't change. The Duffers think they can though.

Horror legend John Carpenter is executive producing "John Carpenter Presents," a new anthology series set in remote Alaska where characters face supernatural terror while exploring social anxieties. The man who gave us Halloween is now giving us frozen horror.

Alaska. Where it's already terrifying because bears exist and daylight disappears for months. Adding supernatural elements is just overkill. Like putting hot sauce on ghost peppers. I went to Alaska once. I saw a moose. That was scary enough without demons. The moose just stood there. Menacingly.

Paramount+ announced Strange New Worlds will conclude with Season 5 consisting of only six episodes, down from 10, with producers claiming it enables "focused storytelling" as the series ends after 46 total episodes.

That's not focused storytelling, that's giving up. Like when I say I'm going to clean my apartment but really just shove everything in the closet. "Focused cleaning."