Hey Nerds,
This morning I just tried to unlock my apartment with my car remote. Stood there clicking it for a solid minute wondering why my door was broken. The door wasn't broken. My brain is broken. Wednesday broke it. Or maybe Tuesday did and I'm just now noticing.
IN THIS ISSUE:
Michael Caine comes out of retirement at 92 for a Vin Diesel witch movie
Robert Eggers making a werewolf movie in Old English
Marvel Zombies gets TV-MA rating
...and more
MICHAEL CAINE UNRETIRES AT 92 FOR THE LAST WITCH HUNTER 2
Lionsgate is making a sequel to 2015's The Last Witch Hunter because it became Netflix's top five this year and streaming numbers are the new box office except fake.
They’re dragging Michael Caine out of retirement for this sequel. The guy is NINETY-TWO. He was supposed to be done. Finished. Eating soup and watching birds or whatever retired actors do. But no. Vin Diesel needs him to say exposition about witches again.
This is like when my grandfather came out of retirement to help me move apartments. He threw out his back lifting a box of DVDs I haven't watched since 2012. Grandpa still complains about his back. Circle of life but stupider.
ROBERT EGGERS' WEREWOLF MOVIE WILL BE IN 13TH CENTURY ENGLISH
"Werewulf" started filming September 8 with Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Willem Dafoe for a December 25, 2026 release.
They're releasing a werewolf movie on Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus, here's medieval wolves.
The dialogue will be "true to the time period" which means nobody will understand anything. Remember The Witch? People needed subtitles for English. IN ENGLISH. Now we're doing it again but with werewolves.
MARVEL ZOMBIES IS EXACTLY WHAT WE ASKED FOR AND WE'RE STILL COMPLAINING
Elizabeth Olsen returns as a zombified Scarlet Witch in Marvel Zombies premiering September 24 on Disney+.
TV-MA. Straight from the comics. Literally what nerds have been demanding since 2005 when the comics dropped. Marvel said "fine, here's your zombie universe with gore and cannibalism" and the internet's already typing think pieces about how it's not gory ENOUGH.
This is why we can't have nice things.
We begged for comic accuracy. They gave us heroes eating people. We wanted darker Marvel. They made Scarlet Witch a decomposing villain. We demanded mature content. TV-MA rating. And somewhere right now someone's writing a Reddit post about how Spider-Man's web pattern is slightly off in frame 47.
We're exhausting. I'm exhausting. You're exhausting. Marvel's exhausted. Everyone's exhausted except the zombies because they're dead.
QUICK DECAY BEFORE YOUR ATTENTION DIES
Dust Bunny trailer dropped - Mads helping kids murder bedroom monsters. December 5. We covered this yesterday but now there's moving pictures.
Star Trek: Khan audio drama launched with Naveen Andrews because Benedict Cumberbatch was busy or they remembered Khan isn't white.
Animated Sherlock Holmes for "mature audiences" based on an author named Sercombe not Doyle because copyright is expensive?
Sigourney Weaver says Alien: Earth is "more profound than just an Alien movie" which is actor speak for "I haven't watched it but they asked me to say something nice."
Clayface set photos show Gotham map with Wayne Manor and Arkham because DC needs you to know Batman exists even when he doesn't.
Rahul Kohli posted his Carrie character look as a joke but I don't get it because I'm tired and jokes require energy I'm using to exist.
CALENDAR
September 24, 2025 - Marvel Zombies feast
December 5, 2025 - Dust Bunny traumatizes
September 11, 2026 - Clayface melts into theaters
December 25, 2026 - Werewulf ruins Christmas
Eventually - Last Witch Hunter 2 happens to us
Got feelings about any of this?
Hit me up on Bluesky where I'm thinking about how Michael Caine could've stayed retired but chose witch hunting violence. With Vin Diesel. At ninety-two.
That's either inspiring or concerning and I genuinely can't tell which anymore.
-Zak
If you enjoyed my ramblings, share it with a friend using the link below. I'll give you a shoutout in the next edition, which is basically like getting a cameo in the MCU (okay, maybe more like being an extra in the background of a CW show, but still). 🚀
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