Radioactive Genitalia + Disney Creates Something(?) + RDJ's Ego Delays Another Movie

Just discovered I've been wearing my shirt inside out since Saturday. SATURDAY. Went to Target, the gas station, and my friend's birthday party like this. No one said anything. Either I've reached a new level of "don't give a f*ck" energy that people respect, or everyone in my life has collectively given up on me. Honestly, both options track.

IN THIS ISSUE:

Collider.com reports that Nathan Fillion's playing Guy Gardner in HBO's Lanterns and he's dropped more F-bombs filming this than his entire career combined.

Guy Gardner is that guy who brings an acoustic guitar to parties nobody asked him to play at. The show hits in 2026 and Fillion says his character is someone "everybody hates pretty consistently" which reminds me of my old roommate who practiced harmonica at 3am.

The character's defensive, has a chip on his shoulder, and throws a wrench into Hal and John's already complicated relationship. So basically my ex who'd show up to group hangs uninvited and somehow make every conversation about that one time her coworker looked at her wrong. We'd be talking about literally anything else and she'd find a way to wedge in her grievances like emotional tetris.

You know why this works though?

Because Guy Gardner owns being terrible. Unlike my ex who thought she was the victim in every story including the ones where she keyed someone's car for parking "aggressively." That's the energy Fillion's channeling into HBO and I respect the commitment to being professionally insufferable.

The Hollywood Reporter says Disney+ just greenlit "Coven Academy" and it's not based on anything.

Not a remake. Not a sequel. Just... new.

Tim Federle created it and it's about three teenage witches in New Orleans fighting ancient forces while being teenagers which sounds exhausting. Coming 2026.

I once spent three months writing a pilot about a divorced dad who inherits his grandmother's haunted antique shop. Disney passed. Said it was "too niche." But three teenage witches in New Orleans? Sure, greenlight that immediately. I'm not bitter. I definitely don't have the entire series bible still saved on my laptop including character arcs for the possessed Victorian butter churn. That would be pathetic.

Bloody Disgusting reports The Toxic Avenger remake shows Toxie's "Monster Dong" and theaters are having meetings about it. MEETINGS. About mutant genitalia.

The unrated version drops August 29 and some theaters won't show it because America can handle 4K murder but one irradiated penis and everyone clutches pearls.

This movie sat on a shelf for TWO YEARS. Someone at a CGI studio spent weeks modeling this. Their LinkedIn says "Digital Artist" but we know what you did, Kyle.

What a time to be alive. We're getting radioactive monster dong before GTA 6.

Deadline reports Black Mirror graphic novels are coming.

"USS Callister" gets 20 preview pages before fall/winter 2025 release. Remember USS Callister? Where the guy turns coworkers into Star Trek dolls because women won't touch him? I tried explaining this to my dentist once while he had his hands in my mouth. Pretty sure he added an extra filling out of spite.

Then "San Junipero" in 2026 which will make me cry in comic book form. I watched it on a plane once and the flight attendant asked if I needed medical attention. I said no, just emotional attention. She gave me extra pretzels.

Prime Video dropped photos of "Vought Rising" and jesus.

Jensen Ackles is back as Soldier Boy in his 1950s super suit looking like your racist uncle's Facebook posts became sentient. There's also Mason Dye as "Bombsight" which sounds like something my ophthalmologist says when my vision gets worse.

Set in the 1950s as a "twisted murder mystery." Paul Grellong is showrunning with Eric Kripke because we need more opportunities to feel bad about America, superheroes, and that time I thought I could pull off a cape in public. The cape got caught in a revolving door. Security had to cut me free.

Aya Cash returns as Stormfront but she's "Clara Vought" because even Nazi backstories need rebranding apparently.

The Hot Mic reports Avengers: Doomsday is imploding.

Robert Downey Jr. demanded to wear the actual Doctor Doom suit after using body doubles, leading to three weeks of reshoots. That's like when I insisted on doing my own electrical work and now I can't use the microwave and toaster at the same time.

Why didn't I hire an electrician?

Because I watched a YouTube video and thought I understood. I didn't. RDJ doesn't understand either but he has Marvel money so his mistakes just delay movies instead of making apartments smell like burnt rubber.

There's "significant testosterone and ego" on set with actors fighting and script changes. Now it's delayed to December 18, 2026.

Still gonna watch it though. We all will. That's the contract we signed with Marvel and our own terrible judgment.

ComicBookMovie reports Sadie Sink might play "Annabelle Adams" in Spider-Man: Brand New Day. Apparently in the comics she's a bartender/singer who dated Kaine Parker (Peter's clone) in Houston.

The report says this could be a codename or character amalgamation, possibly connected to Shathra, a rumored Multiversal villain.

Annabelle Adams. They really dug deep for that one. Someone at Marvel was like "you know what'll get the nerds excited? A character from that one Kaine Parker run in Houston that twelve people read." Do they think pulling obscure references gives them comic book cred? Stop chasing adulation from comic nerds, Marvel. They hate everything anyway. They hated when you made popular characters and they hate when you use deep cuts. There's no winning.

July 31, 2026 release and at this point I'm just impressed they found a character so obscure even the wikis are confused.