Rose Tyler IS the Doctor Now and Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

It's Wednesday, which means we're halfway to pretending we have our shit together again. Celebrated by wearing matching socks for the first time since last Wednesday. They're both black but different lengths and textures, but I'm counting it as a win. My therapist says I need to celebrate small victories. This feels too small. Like, microscopic. Like my will to live. Anyway, here's some genre news!

According to SFFGazette.com, Billie Piper is back in Doctor Who and she's... the Doctor???

When I read this news, I was making coffee and I literally forgot how coffee works. Just stood there holding beans like some kind of confused caveman. Water? Hot? Bean juice? What is reality?

Piper broke her silence at Florida Supercon (of course it was Florida) and said filming was "emotional" and had a "cloak and dagger feeling." She was brought in last-minute after Ncuti Gatwa's surprise two-season exit.

Here's the kicker - she's not playing Rose Tyler.

She might BE Rose Tyler who became the Doctor. Or she's Bad Wolf. Or she's just the Doctor with Rose's face because Russell T Davies has finally lost it completely.

Daniel Richtman says she'll be like Tennant's 14th Doctor - just temporary. A bridge. A beautiful, confusing bridge that's making me question everything I know about regeneration.

You know what? Good. Let chaos reign. I'm already three conspiracy theories deep about how this connects to that time Rose absorbed the Time Vortex. My roommate says I need to "calm down" and "stop making red string connection boards" but what does he know?

He thinks Star Trek and Star Wars are "basically the same thing."

ComicBook.com reports that John Malkovich filmed a whole-ass performance as Red Ghost for Fantastic Four: First Steps and they just... cut it.

THEY CUT JOHN MALKOVICH.

Director Matt Shakman says maybe Red Ghost will return in future MCU projects. Sure, Matt.

And maybe I'll finally finish that screenplay I started in 2019 about sentient houseplants taking over suburbia. (I won't. They all died. The houseplants, not the suburbs.)

Apparently Red Ghost was supposed to have a key role in the third act but they decided to "go in a different direction." That's Hollywood speak for "we realized we made a movie that's already 47 hours long."

The wildest part? They can't even release the deleted scenes because the VFX would be too expensive to finish. So somewhere in a Disney vault, there's footage of John Malkovich in a mo-cap suit pretending to command super-apes, and we'll never see it.

This is like that time I spent six months learning to juggle for a talent show and then forgot to sign up. Except John Malkovich probably got paid. I just have three bean bags and trust issues.

ComicBook.com's investigation into the Superman movie reveals something bonkers: Max Mercury might be the DCU's first Flash.

Not Barry Allen. Not Wally West. Not even Jay Garrick. MAX. MERCURY.

I had to Google him. ME. The person who once explained the entire Speed Force to a Tinder date. (There wasn't a second date. Shocking, I know.)

He appears TWICE in the Hall of Justice mural - once as Whip Whiplash (terrible name) and again as Max Mercury. He's a time-hopper. He disappears and reappears decades later. He's basically the Doctor Who of speedsters and honestly? I'm into it.

This is James Gunn's galaxy brain at work. Everyone expects Barry or Wally, so he pulls out a character so deep-cut that even comic nerds are scrambling for their Wikipedia apps.

My theory? This is all setting up for a Speed Force saga that'll make our heads explode. Or it's just Gunn being chaotic. Both are equally likely.

Empire reveals Cameron told Disney he wants an animated Avatar anthology series. Because five movies spanning until 2031 isn't enough. The man will not rest until every screen on Earth is showing blue people.

He literally said it could be like The Animatrix but for Pandora. Stories about the first human expedition. Character backstories. "Tangential stuff that happened off-camera."

James. Buddy. The movies are already 3+ hours each. How much more Avatar content can humanity consume?

Don't answer that.

I already know I'll watch every second while complaining the entire time.

Cameron's out here trying to find "boutique filmmakers" for this project. You know he's going to micromanage every frame anyway. Some poor animator is going to spend six months perfecting the way alien grass moves in the wind because Cameron had a dream about it.

This is the same energy as me deciding to reorganize my entire apartment at 2 AM because I saw one Pinterest photo. Except Cameron has billions of dollars and I have anxiety and a label maker.

Elizabeth Olsen has to pick between Miles Teller and Callum Turner in the afterlife in A24's Eternity.

The entire movie is about choosing where to spend eternity after you die. With your husband who died with you, or your first love who died years ago.

This is my worst nightmare. I can't even pick what to watch on Netflix without having an existential crisis. Yesterday I spent 45 minutes debating between two identical brands of pasta sauce. They want me to choose an eternal soulmate? I'd probably just panic and end up in cosmic limbo forever.

Olsen described it as "a callback to Billy Wilder films" which is code for "it's going to be gorgeous and destroy you emotionally." Perfect. I wasn't using those feelings anyway.

The real question: Can you change your mind? Is there an afterlife customer service? "Hi, yes, I'd like to exchange this eternal paradise for a different model please."

The Playlist reports Jake Schreier says the MCU X-Men will explore "inherently interesting and complex material."

He's talking about internal character struggles. Identity issues. The complexity of being different in a world that fears you.

You know what else is complex? The X-Men timeline. I once tried to explain it to my mom and she asked if I was having a stroke. I drew a diagram. It looked like the ramblings of a conspiracy theorist. Which, honestly, fair.

Feige confirmed it'll be "youth-focused" which means we're getting teen mutants. Great. As if regular teenagers aren't terrifying enough, now they have laser eyes and can walk through walls.

The movie comes after Avengers: Secret Wars, which will apparently soft-reset everything. So all those X-Men timeline charts I made? Worthless. Like my degree. Or my plants.

Everything I touch turns to disappointment.

Netflix is dropping a Death: The High Cost of Living bonus episode on July 31.

This is the story where Death takes human form once every century to stay grounded. To remember what it's like to be mortal.

Meanwhile, I take human form every day and wish I didn't have to. Death gets to be quirky and philosophical for 24 hours. I have to pay rent and pretend I understand cryptocurrency.

Kirby Howell-Baptiste is perfect as Death though. She has that "I could destroy you but I'd rather have coffee" energy that speaks to my soul. Or what's left of it after reading Twitter. (Never calling it ‘x’)

ComicBookMovie.com's investigation into James Gunn's latest comments reveals peak Hollywood chaos.

Ana Nogueira was supposedly writing a Teen Titans script. Gunn now says it doesn't exist. But also she WAS working on it? But now she's on Wonder Woman? But the first draft was incomplete?

This is like when I tell people I'm "working on my novel." Is it real? Does it exist? Is it just three paragraphs and a Pinterest board? Who can say?

Gunn's probably trying to manage expectations while Nogueira got shuffled to Wonder Woman. Hollywood development is just musical chairs but with hundred-million-dollar properties.