Taika Waititi Making Judge Dredd While I'm Still Processing Thor 3

I'm writing this at 3 AM because I just realized my neighbor's wind chimes sound exactly like the Windows 95 startup sound and now I can't unhear it. Tried counting sheep but they kept glitching through the fence like a bad Bethesda game. So here we are, you and me, united in our collective insomnia and questionable life choices.

Pour yourself whatever passes for coffee these days and let's dive into today's genre buffet of beautiful chaos.

According to THR, Taika Waititi is directing a new Judge Dredd movie and listen, I need everyone to just... pause. Take a breath. Process this with me.

The man who made Thor funny is now tackling a character whose entire personality is "I AM THE LAW" delivered with the emotional range of a parking meter. Drew Pearce (Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation) is writing, which means we're either getting the best action-comedy of the decade or something that makes the Stallone version look like Citizen Kane. There's no middle ground here.

They're saying it'll lean into the "dark humor" of the comics and be a "fun sci-fi blockbuster that speaks to this moment in culture." You know what else speaks to this moment in culture? My crippling anxiety and the fact that I just spent $47 on a Judge Dredd action figure at 2 AM last Tuesday. But sure, let's make it a movie.

The producers want to launch a "Dredd universe" across movies and shows. Because if there's one thing we need, it's another cinematic universe. I can't even manage my own universe. Yesterday I put salt in my coffee and didn't notice until the third sip. Universe management is not in my skill set.

Deadline reports that Gale Anne Hurd (The Walking Dead) just bought the rights to "Yuletide," a comic that hasn't even been published yet. It's about ancient Norse monsters attacking a town called Christmas, Pennsylvania during the holidays.

The town is called CHRISTMAS. PENNSYLVANIA.

I once drove through a town called Intercourse, Pennsylvania (real place, look it up) and thought that was peak American naming conventions. But no. Christmas, PA said "hold my eggnog" and here we are.

The writer says he was inspired by "the way these demons have been buried and forgotten felt like the perfect metaphor for how we often bury our own darkness and personal demons throughout the holidays." Sir, the only demon I'm burying during the holidays is the memory of my aunt asking why I'm still single while I'm elbow-deep in a turkey carcass. But go off, I guess.

It's described as "The Goonies meets Hocus Pocus with a horrifying holiday twist." So basically my last family Christmas but with better special effects.

Deadline also reports that Illumination (the Minions people) is making an animated Barbie movie. No Greta Gerwig. No Margot Robbie. Just... animated Barbie.

This is like ordering a gourmet burger and getting a Happy Meal. I mean, I'll still eat it, but I'll complain the entire time.

You know why? Because after making $1.44 BILLION with the live-action movie, Mattel said "What if we just... didn't involve any of the people who made it successful?" It's like they took a masterclass in How To F*** Up A Franchise and aced the final exam.

Warner Bros got the live-action movie. Universal gets the animated one. Somewhere, a WB executive is crying into their pink blazer while Universal celebrates with whatever Minions drink. Banana smoothies? I don't know. I don't understand their biology.

Per Deadline, Willem Dafoe is joining Robert Eggers' "Werwulf" because apparently these two have a blood pact or something. This is their FOURTH movie together. FOURTH.

At this point, Dafoe showing up in an Eggers film is like me showing up at Taco Bell at 2 AM - expected, slightly concerning, but ultimately inevitable.

The movie comes out Christmas 2026, which gives us all time to emotionally prepare for whatever psychological warfare Eggers has planned. Remember The Lighthouse? I still wake up screaming about seagulls. My therapist says it's progress. I think she's lying.

Bloody-Disgusting got the exclusive that James DeMonaco just finished writing Purge 6 with his wife. "People's favorite character" is coming back, which is definitely Frank Grillo because who else survived that many movies without becoming a motivational speaker about trauma?

He says they're creating "real warrior women" this time. Cool. Love that. But also, maybe we could create a world where we don't need annual murder holidays? Just spitballing here.

The original Purge concept came from his wife after a road rage incident. Imagine being so mad at traffic that you create a billion-dollar franchise about legal murder. Meanwhile, I get cut off in traffic and my response is to cry a little and eat gas station sushi. We are not the same.

Deadline exclusive: Leonardo DiCaprio is executive producing a live-action Captain Planet series for Netflix. I repeat: LEONARDO DICAPRIO. IS MAKING. CAPTAIN PLANET.

The man who won an Oscar for eating raw bison liver is now producing a show about a blue guy who shows up when teenagers combine their rings. This timeline is unhinged and I'm here for it.

Greg Berlanti is involved, which means it'll either be amazing or have 47 seasons of diminishing returns. There's no in-between with that man. He's like the McDonald's of superhero TV - consistent, everywhere, and you're not sure if it's good for you but you keep coming back.

Glen Powell was originally attached to write and star in a movie version. Now he's not involved. Somewhere, Powell is looking at his Top Gun money and thinking "dodged that blue bullet."

Per /Film, Melissa Navia confirmed that Erica Ortegas is getting more screen time in Strange New Worlds Season 3 because fans wouldn't shut up about it.

This is the power of the internet, people. We complained so much that they actually listened. It's like when I kept asking my local coffee shop for oat milk and they finally caved. Except this is a multimillion-dollar TV show and not a place that spells my name wrong on purpose.

Navia said after Season 2 fans were like "Not enough!" which is basically how I feel about everything good in my life. Pizza? Not enough. Sleep? Not enough. Serotonin? What's that?