The Sandman's Fate + Spider-Punk's Alive

Wednesday. Hump day. The day that sounds inappropriate no matter how you say it. Tried to meal prep on Sunday for this week and now it's Wednesday and I've eaten cereal for every meal because the chicken I cooked looks suspicious.

It's looking at me.

Food shouldn't look back.

This is why I have trust issues.

Well, this and the fact that my succulent died. THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE UNKILLABLE!

IN THIS ISSUE:

So Netflix officially released Tom Sturridge's final scene as Morpheus from The Sandman finale and I'm not okay.

I'm really not.

The scene shows Dream visiting Shakespeare after he finishes The Tempest – you know, casual immortal being stuff – and they share wine in The Dreaming while discussing "tales of graceful ends."

Morpheus knew he was going to die.

He KNEW.

And he commissioned Shakespeare to write about it because apparently even cosmic entities need their stories told properly. This is like when I knew my relationship was ending so I made a really elaborate playlist about it three months in advance. Except instead of a Spotify playlist that nobody listened to, Dream got THE TEMPEST.

From SHAKESPEARE.

What kills me (pun absolutely intended) is that Dream wanted to leave behind something beautiful before the Fates caught up with him. Meanwhile, the most beautiful thing I've left behind is a half-eaten sandwich in my car from 2019 that's probably achieved sentience by now. I should check on that. I won't, but I should.

Jacob Anderson takes over as the new Dream.

Which is fine, I guess?

But it's like when your favorite barista quits and the new one doesn't know your order includes "an unreasonable amount of vanilla syrup." It's just not the same. The new Dream doesn't know about my recurring nightmare where I'm being chased by student loan debt that's taken physical form. The old Dream would've understood.

Deadline reports that Sony Pictures Animation is developing a Spider-Punk animated feature with Daniel Kaluuya co-writing.

I love me some Spider-Punk. Hobie Brown is basically what would happen if you gave Spider-Man an electric guitar and unresolved authority issues. Which, coincidentally, describes my entire personality from ages 15-26. Actually scratch that. Still describes me. I'm just quieter about it now because my knees hurt.

Kaluuya voiced Spider-Punk in Across the Spider-Verse and apparently Sony was like "yeah, give this man a whole movie."

Plot details are locked up tighter than my emotional availability.

But we can assume it'll involve:

I once got kicked out of a theater for crying too loud during Into the Spider-Verse. Not because it was sad. Because it was so beautiful I couldn't handle it. The usher said I was "disturbing other patrons" but honestly? They should've been crying too.

The movie's coming after Beyond the Spider-Verse.

Over on Rotten Tomatoes, critics are calling Noah Hawley's Alien: Earth potentially the best entry since James Cameron's Aliens.

Hold up.

The best since ALIENS?

That's like saying "the best pizza I've had since that transcendent slice in Brooklyn that made me believe in God." You can't just throw that comparison around. I still think about that pizza. It was 2017. The cheese formed perfect strings. I cried a little.

Apparently the show focuses more on synthetics than xenomorphs, which is like ordering a burger and getting mostly lettuce. But critics seem into it?

The show stars Sydney Chandler as Wendy, a human consciousness in a synthetic body.

Which sounds like my daily experience of pretending to be a functional adult.

Some reviewers called it "boring" though. You know what's boring? My neighbor Greg who talks about his lawn care routine for 45 minutes every time I check my mail. Yesterday he cornered me about fertilizer types. FERTILIZER TYPES. I was holding ice cream. It melted. I ate it anyway while he talked about nitrogen levels.

A prestige TV take on Alien directed by the Fargo guy?

That's at least worth hate-watching.

It premieres August 12 on FX. I'll be there with my emotional support blanket and said trust issues.

Variety reports that Finn Wolfhard pitched a Stranger Things spinoff that's basically Twin Peaks but with more Upside Down.

This kid. THIS KID.

He suggested an anthology series exploring other labs around the world, completely divorced from Hawkins and the original characters. No mention of Eleven. No Mike Wheeler angst. Just pure, uncut Upside Down mythology.

And get this – Ross Duffer says Wolfhard was THE ONLY PERSON to correctly guess their actual spinoff concept.

THE ONLY ONE.

That's like correctly guessing what's in my fridge right now. (answer: Three types of cheese, questionable leftovers, and regret.) It's basically impossible unless you're psychic or have been watching me through my kitchen window again, Kevin. I know it's you, Kevin. The restraining order is still active.

The final season drops in three parts: November 26, December 25, and December 31.

They're really making us suffer through the holidays with this.

I'll be spending Thanksgiving explaining the Upside Down to relatives who still call it "that Strange Things show." My aunt still thinks it's about aliens. ALIENS. I've explained it seven times. She made me a Stranger Things birthday cake with UFOs on it. I ate it anyway because cake is cake but I was deeply hurt.

Apple TV+'s Invasion dropped its Season 3 trailer and the aliens have FINALLY emerged properly.

It only took three seasons.

That's like showing up to your own birthday party at 11:45 PM.

Simon Kinberg promises all the main characters will come together for a "Hail Mary" mission, which in sci-fi terms means "everyone's probably dying." The show's theme about outsiders banding together really speaks to me, a person who once accidentally wore my shirt inside out AND backwards to a job interview and got hired anyway.

They thought it was a "power move."

It wasn't. I just can't dress myself properly before noon.

Shamier Anderson returns after setting the world on fire in John Wick 4, which means he'll probably kill aliens with a pencil. A f***ing pencil. I once tried to kill a spider with a pencil. Missed. Hit my wall. Now there's a hole. The spider lived there for three weeks. We became roommates. I named him Gerald.

Season 3 premieres August 22.

Ryan Condal says House of the Dragon Season 3 is going to be massive (Collider.com reveals).

Like, "goddamn huge" were his exact words.

You know what else was supposed to be huge?

My herb garden.

Now it's just dirt and disappointment. I planted basil in March. It's August. There's nothing but sadness and what I think might be a weed but I'm too afraid to pull it in case it's the only thing I successfully grew.

They're promising four major events including the Battle of the Gullet.

Ser Criston Cole and Prince Aemond are probably dying.

Which means I need to emotionally prepare myself NOW for the inevitable trauma. Last time a character I liked died, I didn't leave my apartment for three days. My neighbor thought I'd died. She called for a wellness check. The cops found me rewatching the death scene and eating cereal straight from the box. They left quietly.

The show's taking creative liberties that even George R.R. Martin is mad about, but Emma D'Arcy says they're sticking to their guns.

This is like when I decided to make "deconstructed" lasagna and my Italian grandmother stopped speaking to me for six months. It wasn't even that bad. It was just...

Layers.

In different spots on the plate.

She said I'd brought shame upon our ancestors. She might've been right.

The Hollywood Reporter announces that Audible's creating Harry Potter audiobooks with over 200 speaking roles.

Hugh Laurie is Dumbledore.

The man who made me cry over a cranky doctor with a Vicodin addiction is now going to make me cry over a wizard with a phoenix addiction.

Matthew Macfadyen is Voldemort.

Which feels right because he has the range to make me sympathize with a noseless racist. Remember when he made us all thirsty for Mr. Darcy? Now he's playing wizard Hitler. The range. THE RANGE.

They're releasing them monthly starting November 4, which means I'll be emotionally compromised through the entire holiday season.

Again.

The production has logged over 2,000 recording hours. That's more time than I've spent trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Or trying to fold fitted sheets. Actually no, the fitted sheet thing definitely took longer. I gave up. Now I just stuff them in the closet like textile shame balls.

Collider.com reveals that The Librarians: The Next Chapter Season 2 is bringing back Christian Kane and Lindy Booth, but still no Noah Wyle.

WHERE IS FLYNN CARSEN?

This is like having a pizza party without pizza.

Sure, you've got breadsticks and salad, but we all know why we're really here.

The show keeps dropping hints about the original characters but won't explain where Flynn is. Maybe he's tied to the Library forever after that tethering ceremony? Maybe he's busy with HBO's The Pitt?

Maybe he's in my basement?

He's not in my basement.

I checked.

Twice. The second time was because I heard a noise but it was just the water heater. I still said "Flynn?" into the darkness though. Just in case.

Season 2 premieres in 2026.