They're Making a Crossed Movie and I Can Already Taste the Vomit

Just rolled out of bed at 11:47am because weekends are a social construct and my body has decided Monday doesn't exist until I've had at least three cups of coffee. Spent all weekend avoiding my phone because my cousin got engaged and I'm supposed to be happy but all I feel is the crushing weight of my own romantic failures.

Anyway, I ate an entire sleeve of Oreos for breakfast and I'm pretty sure my cat is judging me. How was YOUR weekend?

Listen, I need you to understand something.

When I say "they're making a Crossed movie," I don't mean like "oh neat, another comic adaptation." I mean they're adapting THE MOST F***ED UP COMIC SERIES EVER CREATED and THR reports they've cast actual human beings who agreed to this.

Devin Druid and Ash Santos are leading this descent into madness as Stan and Cindy.

The cast includes a bunch of other brave souls who clearly didn't read the source material before signing on. Or maybe they did and they're just as unhinged as me eating cheese at 3 AM while googling "how to unsee things."

You know why this is terrifying?

Because Garth Ennis created this.

The same guy who gave us The Boys, except imagine if The Boys was written during a fever dream after watching every disturbing movie ever made back-to-back while eating expired gas station sushi. I once ate gas station sushi. The aftermath looked like a Crossed panel. My roommate thought I was dying. I thought I was evolving. We were both wrong.

They cast someone named Owen Harn as a villain called "Horsecock."

I'm not making this up.

That's a real character name. That's something that exists. I once got in trouble for saying "heck" too loudly at a Barnes & Noble and meanwhile Hollywood's out here casting Horsecock. There's probably a makeup artist somewhere figuring out prosthetics for this. Someone's mom is gonna ask what they're working on and they'll have to say "Horsecock's face tattoos."

The movie wrapped filming in LA, which means somewhere out there, there's footage of this nightmare fuel just... existing. On hard drives. Waiting.

Fangoria dropped news that the director of Brightburn is making a movie where the tagline is literally "HE. NEVER. DIES."

Not like, metaphorically.

The dude just keeps coming back "Bigger. Stronger. Less human."

This is like when I kept reviving my sourdough starter even though it clearly wanted to die. It got stronger. Angrier. Started making weird noises. I named it Gerald.

Gerald is still in my fridge.

I'm scared to throw him out now.

The movie's being produced by Gary Dauberman's company Coin Operated, which is a name that makes me think of those cursed arcade machines at the laundromat where I once spent $47 trying to win a stuffed bear that looked like it had seen things. The bear's eyes followed me. I didn't win it. Sometimes I wonder if that was actually a victory.

So Bloody Disgusting reports what came out of a panel with Osgood Perkins at Comic-Con.

And discovered something beautiful.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre rights holders specifically said "Leatherface should never have a love interest."

You know what happened next?

Perkins and his team immediately went "Well, now you've said it!"

This is exactly like when my mom told me not to get a face tattoo and suddenly it was all I could think about. I didn't get one, but I did spend three weeks photoshopping different designs onto my selfies until my roommate staged an intervention. She printed them out. There was a PowerPoint. I still have the slides somewhere.

Anyway.

Perkins might give Leatherface a girlfriend and honestly? After everything 2025 has thrown at us, why not? Maybe she'll be into power tools. Maybe they'll open an Etsy shop together. Leatherface already does leatherwork. This writes itself.

The rights holders apparently gave them a whole guidebook of dos and don'ts.

Imagine being the person who had to write "Leatherface dating tips" in a professional document. That's someone's LinkedIn accomplishment. "Established comprehensive guidelines for chainsaw-wielding character romantic subplot parameters." They probably have it under "Additional Skills."

Check out the newly unveiled Predator: Badlands poster.

It's just... it's so extra.

Elle Fanning strapped to a predator’s back looking like she fought God and lost. But like, artistically. With dramatic lighting.

This is like when I tried to make a "simple" grilled cheese and ended up using seven different cheeses, three types of bread, and somehow set off the smoke alarm twice. The fireman asked how I managed to burn water. I didn't have water on the stove. That's the thing.

Remember when horror movies were just... horror movies?

Now everything needs to be "reimagined" or "rebooted" or "re-whatever."

Cineverse dropped a teaser for their unrated Silent Night, Deadly Night remake starring Rohan Campbell. And get this - it's coming to THEATERS Christmas 2025.

Imagine taking your kids to see whatever Disney movie and they accidentally walk into the wrong theater. "Mommy, why is Santa doing that with the axe?"

Rohan Campbell's playing Billy.

I don't know who that is but I respect anyone willing to dress as Evil Santa in 2025. That takes commitment. Or really good therapy. Probably both. Definitely both.

Screen Rant discovered that Hayden's been filming Ahsoka Season 2 since APRIL.

APRIL.

He won't be done until October.

That's like... that's longer than most of my relationships. That's longer than I've kept any houseplant alive. That's longer than my attention span for literally anything except this one specific hyperfixation about whether birds have knees.

He had to cancel appearances at conventions because he's STILL FILMING.

What are they doing?

Recording him sleeping? Getting footage of him grocery shopping as Force Ghost Anakin? "Yes, get the shot of him choosing between organic and regular bananas. It's CRUCIAL to the mythology."

This means either his role is massive or they're just really bad at scheduling. Knowing Star Wars, it's probably both.

Screen Rant interviewed Chris Sheridan about the cancellation.

He basically said "yeah we knew this was coming a year ago."

A YEAR.

That's like me knowing I shouldn't eat an entire pizza by myself but doing it anyway while maintaining eye contact with my own reflection. The awareness makes it worse somehow. The pizza tastes like shame. But also pepperoni.

Sara Tomko said working on something where "every season, we've been sort of told, 'They might cancel it'" was surreal.

You know what else is surreal?

The fact that they planned the ending properly. They're not leaving us hanging like my last three houseplants (RIP Fernando, Gertrude, and Plant #3). They're wrapping it up August 8th with "The End Is Here." At least they're honest about it.