Vague Promises + Lynchian Clowns

Tuesday morning and I just spent 20 minutes looking for my glasses while wearing them. This is the same vibe I bring to all life decisions. Like yesterday when I confidently told someone I'd "circle back" on something knowing full well I have never circled back on anything in my life. I don't even know what shape I'm making. It's not a circle.

It's more like a wonky spiral that ends in a parking lot somewhere. Anyway, my glasses are still on my face and Tuesday can bite me.

IN THIS ISSUE:

At Fan Expo Canada, Ewan McGregor said he's "sure" Obi-Wan Kenobi Season 2 will happen "at some point."

At some point.

That's what my dad said about teaching me to ride a bike and here I am at 27 still using training wheels. Metaphorically. Actually no, literally. I can't ride a bike. It's a whole thing.

No official plans are in place which is Hollywood for "we're never doing this but we don't want to hurt your feelings." The first season was a limited series in 2022 which means it was supposed to be one and done but now Ewan's at conventions giving people hope like some kind of Scottish Santa Claus who only delivers sadness.

You know what "at some point" means in Disney language? It means Bob Iger will greenlight it right after they figure out how to make it a ride at Galaxy's Edge that sells $75 blue milk.

Director Damien Leone said Art the Clown's origin story will be told in a "Lynchian" way.

Lynchian. For a clown who murders people with garbage bags and hacksaw blades. Just let things be what they are.

"You're going to get Art's backstory in the first 15 minutes" of Terrifier 4 which means the remaining two hours will just be interpretive murder dance or something. Leone posted that the script is "shaping up to be the most epic, horrifying, thrilling, emotional and satisfying conclusion" which is a lot of adjectives for a movie about a mime who kills people.

He says he'll provide "a lot of answers... maybe to a fault." Maybe to a fault? Buddy, your clown eats cereal made of human teeth. We're already past fault. We're in whatever comes after fault. Post-fault. Ultra-fault. The fault singularity.

Paul Wesley told TV Insider he'd "love nothing more" than a Kirk series.

Nothing more. Not world peace. Not universal healthcare. A Kirk show.

He wants to introduce Chekov and Sulu which is sweet but also Strange New Worlds is ending after Season 5 so this is like planning your wedding while your girlfriend is actively breaking up with you. Ethan Peck (Spock) said he'll play the character "for as long as I'm invited" which is actor speak for "please keep paying me."

At this point I've heard about seventy different "potential" Star Trek shows that actors are "passionate about." Next week someone's gonna pitch "Star Trek: Janitorial" about the guy who cleans the transporters. Actually I'd watch that.

Director Mike P. Nelson is remaking the 1984 killer Santa movie and promises "a lot of heart, and a lot of axe murder."

Heart and axe murder. Like peanut butter and toothpaste. They don't go together but here we are.

I know this because I once ate peanut butter right before brushing my teeth and the combination made me understand true suffering. My mouth tasted like minty regret for three days. That's this movie. Minty regret with axes.

December 12, 2025 release starring Rohan Campbell who was in Halloween Ends which nobody watched. The plot is still "kid watches Santa kill his parents, grows up to be Santa killer" because why mess with perfection? And by perfection I mean the kind of movie you watch at 2am while eating cheese straight from the block and questioning your life choices.